Sunday, December 6, 2009
Greetings people of the blue planet!
It has been quite a while since I've sat down and resigned my thoughts to the cyberworld. I don't know why but these hands have felt heavier since they've been in the UK. A funny thing that is. Homework and classwork and notes have not been abandoned - in fact the rate and frequency of my time with them have worryingly escalated - but picking up the telephone and actually making the effort to reconnect with people in Brunei has been exceptionally difficult. It's not intentional and it is definitely not what I want. Facebook feels like a curse now; a window to a world I no longer feel like I have a place in. I know that there would be some inevitable whisperings of how I brought this onto myself for leaving in the first place. If I wasn't ready, then maybe I shouldn't have gone and it is due to this reason alone that I feel so reluctant to broadcast to the entire world my time here. It hasn't been easy; that much is expected. There are nights I feel lonely; days where I feel like I just don't even have enough energy to lift my feet and shoulder on. Waking everyday and having to walk the fifteen-minute stretch of road to the main school building with the question of "Is this how my life is going to be for the next two years?" constantly invading my thoughts is certainly not how I envisioned my life here to be. Being the minority in a school full of arrogant oversized infants (emotional maturity of three year olds galore) who, despite their lack of effort in classes and work, still feel like they are entitled to all the successes we, the minority get. It is hard to maintain who you really are in this kind of world and there are times when the line that defines you is blurred and distorted and you don't know who you are anymore.
I miss my friends. Sometimes I feel it is easier not to talk because that would only be like ripping the wound out all over again, just when the scab has started to grow. I know it is the coward's way out and I am ashamed of it. But if you were in my shoes (and they are very nice Fred Perry ones), you'd probably do the same. It's so hard and all I can ever do is endure, sleep and hope for a better day. Lying in bed at night is my only refuge; like time is suspended and I have stopped moving, stopped living this life that I never pictured as something I wanted. It hasn't been easy, my friends.
But in the words of Alfred, "things are always gonna get worse, before they get better." So I can only sit still, pray and hope that the future isn't as bleak as I think it is.
I miss you all. Hope you are all well.
With lots of love,
you know who.
It has been quite a while since I've sat down and resigned my thoughts to the cyberworld. I don't know why but these hands have felt heavier since they've been in the UK. A funny thing that is. Homework and classwork and notes have not been abandoned - in fact the rate and frequency of my time with them have worryingly escalated - but picking up the telephone and actually making the effort to reconnect with people in Brunei has been exceptionally difficult. It's not intentional and it is definitely not what I want. Facebook feels like a curse now; a window to a world I no longer feel like I have a place in. I know that there would be some inevitable whisperings of how I brought this onto myself for leaving in the first place. If I wasn't ready, then maybe I shouldn't have gone and it is due to this reason alone that I feel so reluctant to broadcast to the entire world my time here. It hasn't been easy; that much is expected. There are nights I feel lonely; days where I feel like I just don't even have enough energy to lift my feet and shoulder on. Waking everyday and having to walk the fifteen-minute stretch of road to the main school building with the question of "Is this how my life is going to be for the next two years?" constantly invading my thoughts is certainly not how I envisioned my life here to be. Being the minority in a school full of arrogant oversized infants (emotional maturity of three year olds galore) who, despite their lack of effort in classes and work, still feel like they are entitled to all the successes we, the minority get. It is hard to maintain who you really are in this kind of world and there are times when the line that defines you is blurred and distorted and you don't know who you are anymore.
I miss my friends. Sometimes I feel it is easier not to talk because that would only be like ripping the wound out all over again, just when the scab has started to grow. I know it is the coward's way out and I am ashamed of it. But if you were in my shoes (and they are very nice Fred Perry ones), you'd probably do the same. It's so hard and all I can ever do is endure, sleep and hope for a better day. Lying in bed at night is my only refuge; like time is suspended and I have stopped moving, stopped living this life that I never pictured as something I wanted. It hasn't been easy, my friends.
But in the words of Alfred, "things are always gonna get worse, before they get better." So I can only sit still, pray and hope that the future isn't as bleak as I think it is.
I miss you all. Hope you are all well.
With lots of love,
you know who.
what we could have been, 11:56 AM.